Member-only story
With the eyes of a child
How to pull the teeth of the monster of insecurity
I thought I had my fears under control, but then the pandemic came. I thought I could keep working as a freelance consultant in the startup world and it wouldn’t disturb my inner world. As I made my way through the darkest corners of my inner world, I kept trying to get back to some normalcy, but the truth is that normalcy no longer exists. The truth is that there is only a new normal and we can accept it or compulsively try to fight it. In the end, we will always come back to the realization that everything we resist persists. I wanted to go back to my old life because it was easy. Easy because I didn’t have to deal with myself, had my feelings under a lid, and making money was easy.
If you lust along the path of least resistance long enough and don’t listen to the early signs, sooner or later your soul will resort to heavier weapons to make itself heard. I am grateful that fear no longer allows me to return to my old life. Of my own free will, I would never have made this difficult decision. Leaving behind a secure and well-paying job to backpack and work on a farm in Italy is in itself fraught with uncertainty when there are no plans for what comes next. My history with severe anxiety hasn’t really made it any easier, but the only way is always through the anxiety. Not past it.
